Stuck

I feel like I’m in a rut. I’m a planner by nature, but it seems recently that things are getting a little too scheduled, even for me. There is that pesky job thing, of course, but there isn’t really a way around that (barring a Powerball win?) Beyond that though, we have Young Life twice a week, plus bi-weekly leadership meetings, not to mention assorted parent or committee type meetings. That level of commitment, while undeniably rewarding, is a bit daunting in its volume. Additionally, Tuesdays are our weekly hangouts with friends, and our marriage group is every other Thursday. I know these are all optional events, and I truly wouldn't trade these gatherings for anything, but at the same time, it's a bit daunting to know that everyday has an assigned activity. Furthering the feeling of being trapped in the grind are the mundane necessities of daily life: commute, errands, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum.

I don’t mean to imply that I don’t have any free time; that’s just not true. Weekends are typically free from regular “gigs” (although they seem to get booked up faster than I would sometimes prefer) and I realize my list of “must-see” TV probably eats up more hours than I’d like to admit. The trouble seems that we are on a frantic weekday pace of go-go-go, so when we finally have a chunk of un-calendared time, it’s used for recovery, rather than rejuvenation (a subtle, but important difference in my mind). We crash on the couch, shut our brains off and rely on the internet or cable movie channels to erase the stress of the week. Guess how well that works....

We do try to take advantage of our free time, but all too often, it is self defeating as even our “fun plans” are still plans. Activities I enjoy lose their joy when they become just as obligatory as tasks I abhor.

In the never-ending sea of calendar commitments, and daily chores, I’m craving SPONTANEITY. Freedom, whimsy, play. In attempt to express my vague swirling thoughts, I turned to The (brilliant and addicting) Visual Thesaurus for some wordy-guidance, and it didn’t disappoint. http://www.visualthesaurus.com/

How I’m feeling:

What I long to be:

Soooooo, where to from here? My typical m.o. of forming action points seems a little counter-productive to the whole freedom thing. I realize it's less about what I do, and more about how I approach things. Cliche ideas of remembering to appreciate the little things, and to stop and smell the roses are starting to ring true in my heart, but how do I get there? If it were easy or natural for me, I'd already be doing it. I'm a person that loves to plan and wants to do it all, but then conversely gets overwhelmed and feels trapped by my own forces. I hate chaos, but feel restricted by order. I long to be carefree, but my innate need for a plan keeps me tethered. Where is the balancing point? How do I reconcile opposite, but equal sides of my personality?

(those of you Type A people cringing that I ended this post with a question, neglecting to tie up the issue with a metaphorical bow....I feel your pain. The orderly side of me compromised and at least gave you this footnote. That's the best my scatterbrained side would allow.)