Mommy-hood

This past weekend I attended a baby shower for my sister-in-law Kristi. It was such a fun night, and I was thrilled to share in her joy for the new little life that is on the way (and I won’t lie…the fact that it was a costume party up’ed my interest!). We were all instructed to dress as what we wanted to be before we were moms. Now, the vast majority of those in attendance were already moms, most with small children at home, so it was a fun chance for them to act out some of their dreams that may have gotten skipped over, or at least put on pause while they fulfilled the role of mothers. But it created a bit of a dilemma for me, as I pretty much am what

 I wanted to be before I become a mom. I debated showing up as me- writing Courtney on my nametag. But I do love a costume (LOVE a costume) so I settled on wearing whatever I felt like, and labeling myself “fabulous”. The other women got a kick out of my over-the-top ensemble, and I had fun playing a supremely glamorous version of myself.

Yours truly, the Jessica Simpson, Beth the fighter pilot, and the guest of honor (whose pregnancy mercifully exempts her from the costume requirements)

It did get me thinking about my real future though. You know, the one without the boa, with a bit more responsibility. At one point I even found some of the party guests in the kitchen chatting about when it might be my turn to be a mommy. (They were just having fun…there was truly no “you next!” pressure.) I gave them one of the endless versions of my standard answer- “Someday”, “we’ll see”, “not for a bit” etc. But the truth is, I really don’t know when!

When Dustin and I got married, our plan was to be wed for five years before we even thought about starting a family (by the way- I sort of hate that phrase….aren’t we already a family?) We’re a little over three and a half years now and though we’ve thought about it plenty, we still plan to hold firm to the five year mark or beyond for any decision (or baby) making. Truthfully though, that milestone, once a distantly vague concept, now feels frightfully soon. Two years out of school I feel like I’m just starting to hit my stride in my “adult life”. Married life is a blessing, though challenging at times, and building a career is simultaneously satisfying and daunting. Young Life is growing to become a constant factor in my schedules as well as my heart.  I have a full, rewarding life- work, YL, family, friends, fun! The pace of all that activity sometimes overwhelms me, but ultimately I’m thankful for the ultimate luxury my life affords me: freedom. My life is my own. I choose where I want to go, what I want to do. It’s just Dustin and me and the wide open world.

The thought of adding another life into the mix, let alone a life I’m in charge of, doesn’t seem overwhelmingly appealing. My current patterns and structure are not compatible with motherhood for a variety of reasons. I know that we could adjust, but the fact remain I rather like things the way they are. Sometimes I may be overworked, overcommitted, and overwhelmed, but I can’t think of a single thing I’d like to let go. I love my job, as demanding and unpredictable as it is. I love Young Life, and know God has not come close to finishing His work with me there. I love my friends- being able to stay out late on a weekday, or drive off for the weekend on a whim. I love my husband and cherish “us time”…no sharing. I love the selfish moments that my life affords me: nights spend on the couch with reality TV, weekends with no bigger goals than a craft project and a new recipe. With limited non-work responsibilities I’m free….to pour my life out to my high-school girls, to devote time to learning how to love my husband better, to take on a constantly rotating myriad of hobbies.

I know I want to be a mom someday. I know that God has a plan for our family, and I know that the often repeated phrase “You’ll know when you’re ready” will apply to me in due time. But right now I feel I have more to learn and more to do before I take the parenthood plunge. I want to soak up this alone time as a couple, to take advantage of me-and-you years. I want to fully realize what it feels like to not be ready and have that be ok. Before I’m a mom, I want to just be me- Fabulous me!