Monday, November 5, 2012

Mama in the making

Piper Jane, the moment you were born I became a mother. But you have spent the last year making me a mama. It's a big job for one baby, but you've made quite an impact already...

You've made me vulnerable. And that, my sweet little girl, is no small feat. I'm not prone to showing weakness (not that I don't have it, I just don't love showing it). Typically if I'm struggling I like to put on my big girl boots, and my distracting jazz hands, and stomp/shimmy my way through/around the problem. It takes a lot for me to say I can't do something, or to truly ask for help. But becoming a mother rocked my world. In the span of about 24 hours I went from a confident, capable, force of a woman (if I do say so) to a weepy, wounded pile of mush. I was a physical mess, an emotional mess and I needed help (and my mommy). And as this fragile shell version of myself stuck around for weeks, I realized I couldn't (and wouldn't) plaster on the "I can do this" face. I needed to be real. Even if that was real messy (a phrase that is becoming my motherhood mantra). You showed me it's ok to open up, show the yucky parts and let people love me through it.

You've made me tired. And cranky. And hungry. And dirty. And smelly. And late. And disorganized. And forgetful. But mostly you've made me aware of my selfishness. And impatience. And laziness. And sinfulness. Being a mama, being your mama, is a lot of work. And in the moments I just can't take it, I realize it's less about what you're doing, and more about the broken condition of my heart. You've made me remember God's grace- and more specifically how much I need it.

You've made us a family. We have routines now- dinner together, bathtime, playtime...lotion time! We have traditions- photoshoots, a third little stocking on the mantle, Saturday morning pancakes. You've linked us together in the little things, which combines to make a very big thing- a unified family, bound with love. You've become our primary focus for the last year, but somehow you've still made me fall more in love with your daddy along the way. He loves you with a fierce, all-consuming passion that reinforces everything I knew I loved about him, and introduced me to a few new reasons to adore him too. When we snuggle on the couch together, goof around on the playground swings or rock you to sleep in the wee hours of the night, you've made me sure that we are my very favorite three.

Piper Jane..
You've made me proud.
You've made me worried.
You've made me laugh.
You've made me cry.

You've made me cliche- made my face light up, my heart swell, my soul dance and made my life full.

You made my year.