Monday, April 6, 2015

Much too much

Do you guys have a minute for some really self-indulgent whining?

Well, sure, Courtney, when you frame it up so well like that! Please...go on...

Awesome. Thank you. Because last week was a week, ya know? So I kinda need a moment to vent/process/write so many words about it. It wasn't even that it was a bad week, it was just one of those All-The-Things weeks. You know the ones. Where all of the joys, and trials, and opportunities, and commitments, and things converge within a matter of days and run together, so they don't even seem good or bad anymore, they just feel like: Much. Like much too much. 

I'd invoke the "when it rains, it pours" analogy here, but I'm not quite sure that's quite right. Because last week wasn't exactly a downpour, it was just life; All the regular parts of life, in a constant shower, that didn't seem especially forceful in the moment, but somehow still accumulated to some damage, leaving me sopping, and cold, and well...weathered. 

I knew it was going to be a busy week (I know, I know, we're all busy, and I try not to talk about it, but I got your approval upfront, so on we go...) Easter was around the corner, I'm in my most hectic season at work is, I had a few writing commitments to get to on the side...But lo and behold- knowing about the busy, and executing the busy, are two very different things that come with very different feelings. 

Because day-in-day out I know the roles I have to play: Wife. Mama. Mama to another one. Mama/carrier/life force to one not-yet-fully-formed. Worker bee. Blogger/Social Media maven (jokes!). Friend (that one sort of gets thrown in there as a know, in case there's time after the first six-ish things take their place). And I'm good with those roles. They're who I am, and who I've signed up to be, and who I want to be. But...they're also kind of a lot. 

(there's an overly deep metaphor caption in this somehow...Such fancy shells made to look beautiful to the world; and still such fragility and brokenness...No, I'm never like that...)  

And this week, I kept all of those roles, and piled on some additions: Worship team singer, Business trip taker, The Easter bunny's official secret helper, and Church decorator. (Oh. And I got a fierce cold. Because of couuuuuuurse.)

Again...all good things (well, minus that nasty cold), and all things I really want to be and do and say yes to. (and you KNOW how much I like to say yes!) But too much of some very good things, can still be too much. 

I related so much to Joy, describing the hardest part of her current season of life- as "everything": 
"That desire to do so many things, and the desire to keep doing more...It's sort of my personality- the traits that have brought all of these great things are also kind of a curse in disguise, because you can never just rest and celebrate in the things that you've already done"
Yes. This. The solution to many of my problems would be less. Do less, say yes less, care less, be less. But I'm not a less person. I'm a more person. An and person. A more and more, and more is more person. And to go a little Michael Scott on you: my greatest weaknesses? I work too hard. I care too much. And sometimes I can be too invested in my job. (Ok, not really. My greatest weaknesses are much, much worse things, that I don't have the time or vulnerability to list now). But you get it. I'm passionate, I feel big. I'm all in. I can't really turn that off, even when my head and body are warning me that they're about at their limit.

So when someone asks if I'll sing for Good Friday church service? I say yes. And I download all the songs, and I practice in the car on my way to and from everywhere else. And when someone needs to decorate for both Easter weekend services? I say yes. And I pin a million ideas, shop for supplies, and stay up way too late transforming a hula hoop and 29 yards of fabric into a giant hanging canopy. (that turned out pretty sweet, if I can brag for just a second). And when we still haven't figured out how to balance a world of work and two kids? Well...I welcome the idea of a third. Because it doesn't make sense, but oh do I still know it's right. 

But what's my point? Because my goal is certainly not to go on and on about how many things I have in the hopper, and it's definitely not to humble brag about my crazy-full life (that decor shout out was actually out-right bragging...but you have to give me a tiny pass, as I've been out of the retail game for a bit so it's fun to feel like I can still make pretty.) I guess my point is to process this all through writing. And one of the conclusions I've come to, is that most of the time "more is more" works out. It's my natural inclination, so I just pile everything on, hope for the best, and hustle my way through. But inevitably, it does catch up with me...not every time...but last week for sure, and many other weeks before. My hustle wears out, and the pressure to do and be everything I've committed to- everything I want- becomes too much, and I'm reduced to a puddle of  Jesse Spano tears. That's not a new pattern, and it's probably not something I can (or will) change. I'll always be the big-idea girl, who bites off more than I can chew, and drags my loved ones into the mess of my own making. It's not exactly a thrives on chaos problem, but it's definitely a doesn't know another way type of situation. It's occasionally problematic for sure, but it's also just me.

And I guess my other point, is that when the metaphorical rain slows- and the tears cease- I can see more clearly (there's a song in there somewhere, I'm pretty sure...), to realize how lucky I am to play all the roles that I do. Yes, it's a lot to be a mom of 2.5 children, and work, and volunteer, and, and, and... But it's also a whole lot of blessings. I get to be a mom...of two of the most adorable blonde piglets I've ever known. I get to work at a job I love, doing work that inspires me, with people I enjoy- all while knowing my kids are well loved and taken care of while I'm there. I get to serve within caring and passionate teams of people, creating experiences that demonstrate the Gospel in real ways. I get to sing, and make crafts, and hang out with friends, and read at least a couple chapter of book club assignments. I get to do ALL THE THINGS. 

So it is all way way too much. More than I can handle. And more than I deserve. 

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  1. just catching up on this one I hadn't read yet....all I have to say is I love you honey, and I am so very proud of you.