(Related note: We're building some momentum on instagram, and I'd be delighted if you'd join us...(#showyourreal) Whether that means laughing at life's imperfect moments, showing off your messy backseat, or being honest that you're rocking the same outfit for two days straight.)
Sharing HIS real today is my good friend Brian. I met Brian about eight years ago, when he was teaching at the same school as Dustin. I was away for school during Dustin's first six months living in Cincinnati, so he was forced to get out on his own and make some friends. Thankfully, Brian was able to take him under his wing (and by that- I mean let him sit as his lunch table) and they've been fast friends ever since (Brian's wife and I were taken into the fold soon after). It's common with "couple friends" for the wives and husbands to pair off to gab about gender specific things, and there is a fair bit of that when the four of us get together, but what I've always valued about Brian is that he can go toe-to-toe with anyone on things like tennis stats, LeBron trivia, and fraternity stories (and will. You've been warned...) but he has a soft side that try as he might...he's unable to hide. There are times when he could be described as a beer swilling, fantasy football playing, adolescent humor enjoying dude, but he's defined by the sensitive and sincere way he listens, encourages, and loves those around him. I'm proud to have my friend a snippet of his heart and life with you today.
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Hi. I’m the
Y chromosome in the room. I mean, I think I need to address the elephant in the
room, and get it out of the way early. Yes, I’m THAT guy, the English major who
SO wanted to be invited to your all-girls book club, not because I love a good
Merlot, but because even in today’s metrosexual world it’s hard to find other
guys who will willingly read books and talk about them. The guy who cringes
when Dustin wants to talk power tools because I have no idea what a flange is
or why in the world I need to own my own air compressor. But regardless, when
Courtney invited me to participate in her reindeer games I was all-in. And over
the past few weeks I have been privy to a world of real, and so I hope to
return the candor those before me have shared.
To give you
a sense of my humor, every time Courtney references her this series,
to me it brings back old Dave Chappelle skits. Go ahead and click on one or two. Invariably the main character, in an effort to keep
it real, has a horrific tragedy befall them. Unemployment, lost spouse, etc. It
appears all the other authors have come out of this relatively unscathed, so I
guess I will venture forth and be as real as I can be.
My ‘real’
consists of marrying my college girlfriend, re-inventing myself professionally
as we’ve relocated several times for my wife’s advancement at her job, and
helping raise our two kids (Megan, age 5 and Colin, 22 months). Jillian is far
and away the breadwinner in our family. Something I strongly encourage and
fully support. We married a year after college and both had strong, stable jobs
but when she had an opportunity at a promotion we both knew she viewed her job
as a career whereas I saw mine as just a job. So it was easy for us to relocate
for her career, and I’ve been happily doing it since.
In March, we happened to be on a Spring Break trip with some friends of ours when the topic of
balance at home came up. It was in that moment that as a group we started divvying up parenting tasks and internally I began to feel like our friends were judging us with some sort of mental scoreboard:
Who cooks dinner? She does (but I do
the dishes). Who makes the doctor’s appointment? She does (but I actually go to
a lot of them). Who feeds them breakfast in the morning? She does (okay, I hate
mornings. You got me there.) Who picks out their clothes in the morning? She
does (but I get Colin dressed while she showers). Who does the laundry? Whew,
we both do (Finally, I felt like I did something.)
To my
friend’s wife, I could almost feel the imagined daggers shooting from her
eyeballs at me as if I had somehow kidnapped my wife and through some type of
Stockholm Syndrome convinced her to do all my bidding. And in the moment
I felt like shit. I had to deal with the internal struggle of thinking about if
I was taking advantage of Jill. I thought about Courtney’s quote about marriage
and how a good one should have both people feeling like they are getting the
better end of the deal. I had to deal with a sobering thought of wondering if I
was doing enough.
And to be
really real, the answer is probably no. I undoubtedly do expect a lot from
Jillian, unfairly so at times. But over the course of that March day I got
angry that other questions weren’t being asked. As if the role of parent/spouse
is relegated to duties and chores. I get it’s a major aspect, but questions
that didn’t get asked as we kept score were: Who plays Hungry Hungry Hippos and
Uno with his kids? I DO. Who creates forts, draws pictures, plays the role of
family photographer, and teaches them to hit tennis balls and kick soccer balls?
I DO. Who plans family vacations? I DO. Who creates make-believe stories with
the bath toys and reads for almost a half-hour every night to them? I DO. Who
rubs his wife’s feet at night, brings home flowers unexpectedly, arranges
babysitters, checks the parenting blogs in town for fun weekend activities? I
DO.
Don’t those
things count too? I realize those are seen by others as the ‘fun’ things, but
why can’t my strengths be rewarded too? Jillian is an amazing leader because
she is organized, remembers details, and is a type A person who is good at
controlling situations. Why wouldn’t I allow her to handle the things she is
better at than me?
Conversely,
I am a clown. My strengths are in harmony, empathy, and positivity. Why not use
my strengths to help create opportunities to connect with both my wife and kids
at various levels.
But my
wife’s job also forces her to travel a lot. She was gone 45 days last year and
is on pace for 60 this year. That’s 1/6th of the year. So obviously
dinner is my deal on those days, as is breakfast, as is … well … to be totally
real, most times before my wife travels she lays out my kids clothes in advance
and even pre makes meals and freezes them for us. Look, I’m spoiled, I get it.
But I promise I do DO stuff. I think.
Later that
night, my wife and I during our pillow talk time discussed that neither one of
us felt like our system was broken to us, I think in part, because she does
value those talents I bring to parenting and vice versa. I think my friend’s
wife was appalled because it didn’t fit into her viewpoint of what fair and
equitable is for her. But that’s because she’s viewing our relationship through
a different lens.
A few weeks
ago at church we were in the midst of a series on the 7 deadly sins and the
day’s teaching was on envy. And I made a mental note about it
because of this series. Because I find myself ‘keeping score’ in my own life.
And I’m not envious in the sense I’m actively rooting for you all to fail in
your parenting struggles. I mean, I’m envious of Court with her chalkboard
walls and themed-parties complete with photo booths. Or Jami last week and her
super kick-ass and not-at-all safe cardboard slide staircase of fun. Or of
Julie and her ability to know she HAS TO ASK her husband to do things and does
it instead of internalizing what might be minor issues at first but become
larger issues. I’m ‘envious’ of all of that. I don’t want to trade families
with anybody though. They are moments in time that if I’m being real, say more
about me and my feelings of inadequacy at times of not doing more. But I’m
guessing we all do that to some degree with the people around us. We constantly
judge ourselves, our relationships, our parenting skills and everything else to
what those around us are doing without stopping to breathe for a minute and
wonder if what we ‘wish we were’ is any better than ‘who we are.’
I’m envious
of Courtney’s chalkboards and designer chic style but in all honesty can I
truly replicate that? No way. It’d be like trying to write my name with my opposite
hand. It wouldn’t work because it would be awkward and unnatural. Same with
trying to replicate someone else’s talents.
So through
this series I’ve learned a lot about people’s real, but for me it’s also been about
using this experience to accept MY real. And to truly own it. I need to have better
communication with my wife about the day-to-day. I need her to feel safe to be
real with me about what her wants are, like Julie did.
I know this
sort of meandered away from the day-to-day. Honestly, we just try to survive in
the moment. My son demands three breakfasts and if his dinner is not ready by
5:30 he throws tantrums that old men at a Denny’s would be proud of. But he
also gives the best hugs and says the funniest things. My daughter seems like
the biggest grown-up 5-year-old I’ve ever met. She’s a huge help with her
brother and the best part of my day is reading with her at bedtime. There’s
just something about the 20 minutes of cuddling with her, seeing her ask
questions, helping her see the joy a book can bring, and having some one-on-one
time with her that’s magical. And yes, on average, I fall asleep while reading
to her about twice a week and she has to shake me awake. That’s real.
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Thanks for sharing, Brian!! We have a 'not typical balance' happening over here, too...but, it works! I appreciate you sharing your real!!
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if there is such a thing....or maybe it's just a "stereotypical" balance. I love hearing how different families make it all work!
DeleteI agree that there may be more families that go against the stereotypical balance...But, to this day (and it's been a long time) when Jay picks the kids up from school, people assume I'm sick or that something is wrong rather than he's just available at that time. (and it saves me from having to put on a bra...either way.)
ReplyDeleteBP - thanks for showing your real and adding some testosterone to the blog. It sorely needs it! (ehem...I'll blog soon...promise)
ReplyDeleteI know we've always joked about the handy man thing but where you lack in tools I lack in sports knowledge, current events, and reading. I admire (and have always admired) that side of you that I don't seem to have. You're a great friend and I'm so thankful for your post. Your family is adorable and I hope we can see each other soon!
Thanks for sharing your real, Brian. I agree that families today are finding their own groove and getting "it all done" however they can and if that means going against convention, then so be it. I think it's all about whatever works for each family. Your kids sound blessed with two parents who provide, love, and care for them as well as nurture their fun side. :)
ReplyDeleteps. I think we're all jealous of Courtney's chalkboards and designer chic style! ;)