Friday, October 23, 2015

Why not both?

Do you remember this girl?

Let me start by telling you that I love her more than I probably should. 

She's famous for settling an argument between soft and hard shell tacos (important work to be sure...) but I think the sentiment of her catchphrase is much bigger than that (I mean...she did become an internet meme, so it's catchy at the least).

¿Por qué no los dos?

Why not both? 

I could go on and on about what I love about "why not both?", after all, I'm a "more is more" person so if I'm asked to choose between two things, my instinct is often: ¿Por qué no los dos? (wait, your internal monologue isn't in Spanish? ¿Por qué no?) But again, it's not just about saying being open to possibilities, and piling your (literal and figurative) plate high with yeses. I also relate it to the idea of motherhood and the whole "having it all" and being it all struggle. Can I be a mom, and a career woman? A marketer and a Christian? Well, I'm obviously still working through the how, but still I think the answer is yes: ¿Por qué no los dos?

Right now though, I find myself thinking about this phrase in relationship to my current season of life...the newborn days. I've talked about how I'm settling in a lot better this time around, but this stage is still full of contradictions, and it's sometimes hard for me to wrap my head (and heart) around how I feel about it all. On the one hand, the first few months with a baby are the best. I feel like I could (and sometimes do) snuggle his sweet little body all day every day. He's constantly growing and changing, and every week brings something new. He's tiny (and cute) with fairly predictable and easy to satisfy needs. He hasn't learned to back-talk yet, and his little puppy-snores are pretty much irresistible. Basically...he's perfect.

But...there's a little bit of "best of times, worst of times" vibe to it all too. As much as I love him, there are parts of this that I don't love. (ok...sometimes I can barely tolerate some of it). Getting up in the middle of the night every single night gets old pretty fast. Trying to hold a fussy infant, while simultaneously getting dinner on the table, and settle older sibling fights, isn't easy. Being the sole source of nutrition- feeling responsible for his every need- is exhausting (physically and emotionally).'s rough.
I struggle to own that thought though. I feel like if I go on about the hardships of it all, that I'm not being grateful. Yes, I love him to squishy pieces...but also yes, I sometimes wonder what we got ourselves into. It's...los dos. Both are true. And I'm learning to allow myself to feel each one without worrying that my belief in one end of the spectrum affects the validity of the other end.

Is it ok to adore being with my children, but also fantasize about kid free evenings to actually talk to my husband? Yes.
Is it possible to miss my baby while he's sleeping, but also pray for him to give me just a few more minutes of rest? Yes.
Can I feel beyond lucky to have this family, but also hopelessly burdened by the constant series of needs? Oh, yes.

And to be honest, it gets even more complicated than that, because I find myself going back and forth  between the extremes constantly. I adore being home with my baby. But I'm simultaneously looking forward to my return to my job. But then again, I'm panicked at how we're going to make it work. And while I know I'm a working mom at heart, there's also a part of me that is tortured over leaving my baby- especially when he's so tiny and new.
It turns out parenting is super hard. It requires a level of selflessness, stamina, wisdom, and patience that I just don't have. But it's also so very awesome. (it has to be, or else no one would have kids. Especially not repeatedly!) I love this life. And I hate this life. Yep. I said it. Do you know how hard it is to not try to soften that blow with "sometimes" or "parts of it"? But you know I mean sometimes, and parts of it. I shouldn't feel guilt or pressure to preface and put a disclaimer on my feelings. Being a mom and wife is without question the biggest blessing ever bestowed upon me (really...I love my people with a fierce/sappy obsession I never imagined being possible) and being a mom to three kids three and under is the wildest, most taxing thing I've ever attempted. I want a magic pause button every day to freeze wh==at I'm absolutely positive is the best time of my life. And I also go to sleep completely wrung out and dreading the thought of doing it all again in the morning.

My world right now is a beautiful mess. It's bitterly sweet. It is los dos.
{Madeline diaper bag care of Lily Jade. I love it, but their new designs are so cute (especially the Rosie) I might have to get another one...After all, ¿Por qué no los dos? ;) }
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1 comment :

  1. hit the nail right on the head there Courtney. As a mom who has repeatedly done this whole parenting thing- I stand in agreement that parenting is HARD STUFF! And yet it is filled with some of the sweetest moments imaginable.
    spot on girl. spot on.

    ps get the bag. love it!