New Year, New Me!
Except...not at all. We’ve turned to a new calendar page and I am very, very much the same me. I struggled hard with resolutions this time around- not with keeping them (haven’t even gotten the CHANCE to fail yet!)- but with setting them at all. I just want so much...so much growth, improvement, change, progress, accomplishment, that I didn’t even know where to start with overhauling myself. I felt immense pressure to have a life-changing word to focus on, to commit to fixing all of my flaws, or (AND) to finally find a way to feel like I’m doing things right. I just want to do all the things right.
This need to be better was overwhelming me. Especially following a year largely spent just literally trying to survive. Be better?! I’m already doing my absolute best.
So, I paused. And I looked at my reflection with eyes full of grace, threw out all the expectations, gave myself a giant self-care self-hug and committed to loving myself extravagantly, just as I am, because that’s what I deserve.
Nope.
I did not do that.
I languished in the messy middle- caught between ambition and guilt. Wanting to do all the things, and also wanting to just...nap for a while and wake up to a revised, slightly easier existence. I mentally jotted down a few new goals/rules, became instantly frustrated that my nearly imperceptible behavior changes aren't immediately translating to seismic life shifts, and berated myself for all the ways I’m already and always falling short.
I am immensely hard on myself. I know this. But changing that would mean a whole new me, and as I’ve said...that’s just not happening right now. So perhaps I’ll take baby steps towards improvement by way of easing up on my quest for improvement. (The irony...)
First up in this new journey through sameness- giving you the pep talk I really need to hear:
HEY YOU. Yes, you. You...are good. Just as you are. You don’t have to be new, or better. ESPECIALLY right now. You are more than the worst parts of you. But you’re also more than the best parts of you. You are worthy of love and happiness and a freaking break even IF...even WHEN...you still can’t manage to wake up early (or on time), you haven’t lost the last 5 (ok 15) pounds, or you are facing a photo album deficit you’ll never be able to Shutterfly your way out of. Whatever the thing is (or the multitude of things are) telling you you’re a failure- it's lying. You may be a night owl who’s a little round in the middle with a sad lack of baby books compared to your abundance of children (yes- this talk is starting to get oddly specific)...but THAT IS OK. It’s not all you are. It’s not all you’ll ever be. Because even if those things never get transformed (via magical January willpower or any other means)- THERE IS MORE TO YOU. And it is lovely and complex and flawed and quite possibly very similar to the you of last year in a lot of magnificent ways.
If the world gets one more year of YOU? It should rejoice (and I promise you, so many people really are giddy about the same old you- even if they're maybe just a bit too distracted by their own neglected treadmills, cast-off hobbies and angry outbursts to make it fully known.)
So get better! Maybe! A little! Where you can, how you can, when you can! (Because frankly, Netflix doesn't need your undying devotion, and swapping a soda out for a water every now and again might be an experiment worth trying). But also: be the same! Because the unique goodness that is inherently yours needs not a single tweak.
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Annnnnnnnd abrupt cut back to me. In the now. The girl who's not exactly feeling all mushy gushy with self-acceptance, but also doesn't have the energy to Make This My Year! I want to believe my own words and follow my own advice and love my own self. And I do, or I am, or I will...or something. I don't know where I stand with my goals or my word and I sure don't know what this year will hold for me or turn me into. 2020 was a year of a loooooooooot of sameness, and yet I don't know anyone who wouldn't describe it as transformative. So maybe there is a New Me on the horizon. Maybe I will win my battle against screen-time addiction or find a new level of parenting patience or remember to switch the laundry the same day I wash it. Or maybe it will be more of the same- viewed and valued with a bit of a new perspective. It's a new year...anything is possible.
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