Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Get OFF The Road!

I've been thinking about this post for about a year. Like most of you, I drive a car pretty much everyday. Being the math minded guy that I am, I began to notice patterns in driving behaviors and car types. I tried to formulate in my mind which car goes with with which type of driver.

Are all Mustang drivers aggressive drivers by nature?

Are all Jeep Wrangler drivers crazy?

What about me? I drive a Nissan Exterra and Court drives a Toyota Corolla.

Does the year of the car make a difference?

Unfortunately the results were, for the most part, inconclusive, but I did find a direct correlation between a make of a couple of cars and a driving style that was unbelievably consistent. (at least in the Pittsburgh area)

The Wuss: (Genus: get-off-the-roadus-you-wuss-us)
Cars driven:

Subaru Outback

Honestly, if you get stuck behind someone driving this car, then get ready to be amazed at the level of ineptitude. Not only is the Subaru Outback driver a wuss, but they just plain don't understand the rules of driving. They have no concept of the "right of way", they keep their left foot on the brake at all times, AND... they drive a station wagon! A STATION WAGON! Almost every car maker stopped making station wagons in the 90's, but not Subaru. They even try to get Crocodile Dundee to do commercials to make them seem cooler, but the truth is that if you drive one of these then you have just decided to mail it in. You've given up on life so you might as well forget the rules of driving all together.

The Volvo Station Wagon
The Volvo Station Wagon....oh how I loathe thee. At first, while doing my research I initially thought that all Volvo drivers fell into this category, but after further review I discovered that it is merely the station wagon version of the Volvo that I hate when on the road. The Volvo Station Wagon is such a wuss, that the only reason they bought the car is because it's a "steal cage." They don't care about styling, gas mileage, or even the cargo room. They are so scared to drive that they won't turn on red, won't even merge on a highway really. They are a waste. You would think that driving such an indestructible vehicle would inspire recklessness, but nay, it does not. If you are ever cut off by someone driving one of these, then call the cops because that car is stolen. The original driver would never do that. The same applies if you see one at night. Volvo station wagon drivers don't drive at night...too dangerous you know.

The point of this post is to inspire change. Maybe some driver out there stumbles on this blog and reads this post. Maybe they were thinking about buying a car and they were looking at both the Subaru Outback or the Volvo Station Wagon. They both seem like good practical cars. Well, if this is you then I'll save you some trouble.

Don't buy either car...you're not fit to drive. In fact, go to the police station and turn in your license and then go get a bus pass. You'll be doing the world a favor.
Disclaimer: This post was a joke. It is true that I don't like Volvos, but I don't actually label them all as bad drivers. This post was meant to be a funny rant. Hopefully you laughed at least once. If not, then you probably own a Volvo. Just saying.


  1. I found it very funny! One, I work for a Toyota dealership so car posts are right up my alley and two, my parents totally drive a Subaru Outback! Mind you my dad swore he would never drive a station wagon and wouldn't you know...I get to make him eat his words all the time.

    And, the iciing on the proverbial cake? I always wanted a Volvo staton wagon. One of those Cross Country ones.

    So glad I have a Sienna and am not labeled in your post as a bad driver!

  2. Funny, yet totally untrue. Station wagons are the new sports cars. I ride the bus to keep my station wagons (yes I have 2) in prestine condition. I drive at night, sometimes even past 8:30! How dare you mock my kind. Don't make the same mistake twice!

    Disclaimer: This comment was in no way serious.

  3. Ah, the venerable station wagon! You wouldn't be so disdainful if you had grown up in a family of 7 boys - - what else would have been able to carry all of us and Mom and Dad too? (Vans and minivans didn't exist yet - yeah just call me Methusela.) BTW, I think (hope) you meant "steel" cage - unless gangstas have chosen the Volvo wagon as their new ride to pimp. Lastly, you neglected to point out that all really cool handsome intelligent guys (who of course had GTOs in their youth) now wouldn't be caught dead in anything but a 2002 silver Grand Am GT... just saying.
    Non-disclaimer: this message is completely serious and as always if you reflect long and hard about it, you will be the wiser for having done so. Love ya! :-)

  4. Pretty funny Dustin, I am so glad you didn't pick on minivans!

  5. Oh Dustin, you have really hit a nerve on this one. Did you forget that people's livelyhood (and your Christmas and BD presents) often depend on the type of car they drive? Have you ever tried to get bookshelves in a Honda Del Sol? Yes, perhaps a bango would fit BUT that JEEP you want us to surprise you with...hardly! Every year I dream of the Subaru Outback parked in my driveway waiting to be filled with gifts for my Dustin and various and assorted necessities for school. Maybe it is not the people who drive them, but rather the STATE from which the people drive. OHIO drivers do not seem to have any trouble with them!! Oh, BTW, ask your wife what stunning vehical she rode home from the hospital in as a newborn. Her mom and dad were so proud to be the owners! Yep...the pumpkinmobile..a beautiful STATIONWAGON. Cannot deny your roots!

  6. I've always liked the 'newer' body style Volvo wagon ... fits into my whole 'pretentiousness' vibe I'm trying to throw out there.

    But I think you were right on. Screw the disclaimer. Call 'em like you see 'em. Personally I'm glad to see you still have writing skills. I was beginning to worry all those Steelers games had rotted your brain of that function.