Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Miller's Mugs & Mom's Mistake

Miller, I messed up.
I had your entire three month blog written up, and as I went to enter your growth chart stats (which I actually had to measure myself since there was no doctor’s appointment this month) I somehow deleted the entire entry. Ughhhhhhhh. Mommy-blogger fail.

I was devastated. I tried everything to recover it, but to my horror (exaggeration? No.) it is gone forever. Now…I know these journal entries are much more for me than you…You’re probably never going to ask me how many hours a night you slept when you were three months. You might appreciate having a baby book, but I doubt you’re going to count up the entries, or compare pages with your sisters’ books, making me feel guilty if yours doesn’t measure up. But even so, it’s still important to me to document things…to record every little nuance of you. You’re my third baby, so I know it’s easy for you to get lost in the shuffle, and have things like this fall by the wayside, so I want to do my best to show you how important you are. How special you are. How loved you are.
So even though this was just one journal, and just a mistake, it still broke my heart. Having bullet point lists describing you each month shouldn’t be how I measure myself as a mother…but I still feel so guilty when I fail you. And the toughest part is, I know this is a teeny tiny example of the many mistakes I’m going to make with you throughout your life. Right now our relationship is easy. You’re loving, and forgiving, and completely unaware of my shortcomings. But soon you’ll start to realize how human, and flawed, and messy I am. I’ll lose my patience with you. I’ll lose my temper with you. I’ll lose…well…probably lots of things that are much more important than a blog post. I know that though my love for you is infinite, my ability to demonstrate it will be significantly more limited. I’ll fail you, and hurt you, and let you down.

But my hope and prayer, is that when I do, you’ll see past the mess into my intentions. And that somehow, you’ll pick up on what I long to teach you most- that unconditional love, even when it’s hard, and even when it’s undeserved- is more valuable than perfection.
I can’t go back in time and save that blog post. And unfortunately, my crowded and sleep deprived prevents me from recreating that journal from memory. At three months, I know you were not quite taking a bottle, and not quite sleeping through the night. I know your “skills” were still pretty limited (basically you could smile…and…lay around). I know you were big...ish. I remember the general facts. I can cobble together a few probablys of what you were up to.

But the one thing I absolutely know, without a doubt, is that you are one of the great loves of my life. At three months, at four months, at one day, and every minute to follow, I know that I love you more than I imagined was possible. You are treasured and adored far beyond what one blog post could describe, and far more than one mistake could erase.

I love you Miller Gus Gus. Times three, times four, times infinity.

Thanks for loving me back.

Previous months: 12, 3
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1 comment :

  1. I'm very sorry it happened honey. But I also know without a doubt that Miller (and his sisters) has the best Mom he could ever want. And he will know that fact for his entire life. You're the best, just like all your babies! xoxo