Miller, I messed up.
I had your entire three month blog written up, and as I went to enter your growth chart stats (which I actually had to measure myself since there was no doctor’s appointment this month) I somehow deleted the entire entry. Ughhhhhhhh. Mommy-blogger fail.
So even though this was just one journal, and just a mistake, it still broke my heart. Having bullet point lists describing you each month shouldn’t be how I measure myself as a mother…but I still feel so guilty when I fail you. And the toughest part is, I know this is a teeny tiny example of the many mistakes I’m going to make with you throughout your life. Right now our relationship is easy. You’re loving, and forgiving, and completely unaware of my shortcomings. But soon you’ll start to realize how human, and flawed, and messy I am. I’ll lose my patience with you. I’ll lose my temper with you. I’ll lose…well…probably lots of things that are much more important than a blog post. I know that though my love for you is infinite, my ability to demonstrate it will be significantly more limited. I’ll fail you, and hurt you, and let you down.
But my hope and prayer, is that when I do, you’ll see past the mess into my intentions. And that somehow, you’ll pick up on what I long to teach you most- that unconditional love, even when it’s hard, and even when it’s undeserved- is more valuable than perfection.
-----------------------I can’t go back in time and save that blog post. And unfortunately, my crowded and sleep deprived prevents me from recreating that journal from memory. At three months, I know you were not quite taking a bottle, and not quite sleeping through the night. I know your “skills” were still pretty limited (basically you could smile…and…lay around). I know you were big...ish. I remember the general facts. I can cobble together a few probablys of what you were up to.
But the one thing I absolutely know, without a doubt, is that you are one of the great loves of my life. At three months, at four months, at one day, and every minute to follow, I know that I love you more than I imagined was possible. You are treasured and adored far beyond what one blog post could describe, and far more than one mistake could erase.
I love you Miller Gus Gus. Times three, times four, times infinity.
Thanks for loving me back.
Previous months: 1, 2, 3.
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