Limbo

I'm 35 weeks pregnant now, and as I started to put words to this point in our lives, the phrase that came to mind was "in limbo". To me, that meant we've got one foot in both worlds. I'm still pregnant, but we can't necessarily count on that for much longer. Any day now could be "baby day" (yes, it would still be a little early, and after Piper's 3 day late arrival, I'm not exactly expecting this baby to be in any hurry...but still...it's possible.) But then again- I might have another five-plus weeks of gestating to do. Who knows?

So I guess we're in limbo. We might have another month. We might have another day.

But it's more than just the uncertainty of my state that has my heart divided. It's the nature of being pregnant overall. Because I love being pregnant. And I hate being pregnant. Mostly I love it. I love feeling swirls and kicks and even the concessional jab, as my little houseguest gets comfy. I love thinking and planning and dreaming of what this new little being is going to be like. But sometimes I hate it. I hate being hot, and swollen, and tired. OH so tired. I hate having heartburn, not being able to sleep, and the fact that it takes me five minutes to get back up from playing on the floor with Piper.

So I'm in limbo. I'm savoring this time as someone's round the clock provider, but I'm anxious to have my body back as my own.

As I pondered this weird time period, it feels to me that it's passing both at warp speed and in slow motion. Another month of pregnancy will feel like a blink, and a lifetime, depending on when you ask me. The ups are so high, and the lows can be so low, I started to think of it as more of a teeter-totter, than a limbo. Which lead me to look up where the phrase actually comes from. I was surprised to learn it's a religious term, referring to a place in the afterlife which is neither heaven nor hell- a place reserved for unbaptized babies  This isn't a doctrine I'm very familiar with, and it certainly isn't one I'm endorsing, But it does make the secondary definition of the phrase make more sense to me- "in an indefinite state; on hold". I knew what it meant in an abstract way, but I kept connecting it to the concept of the limbo, as in- the game you play at kids' luau themed birthday parties. Bending over backwards, challenging yourself to squeeze under the prescribed measure of success....That may not be what "in limbo" means, but it's still a pretty good metaphor for pregnancy. This is, after all, backbreaking work at times, and I'm constantly feeling the limits of what I'm able to do. There's no way my body can do that. No way I'll be able to meet that goal. No way I can make it one more round, challenging myself any more.

So I guess I'm in limbo, while doing the limbo. Not ready to be done yet, but also not always sure I can keep going. I'm in a transition, knowing that this time is fleeting, and soon the newborn days will take over (there's no limbo about that. It's more of an all in, all consuming, infinite-spinning-plates type of challenge). So as the past and future compress on each other in this "indefinite" place, I'll just keep going. I'll put on my lei, and shimmy my giant belly under the tiki stick one more time, knowing that the pain, and the risk of falling are worth it to know that I did it. And I'll try to remember that the worst thing that happens is I knock the bar over and have to try again. And most importantly, I'll remind myself that for better or worse, the game doesn't last forever, but at the end: there are mai tais.