Unexpected

On two separate occasions within the last month, someone has accused me of being pregnant. Not asked if I was pregnant...actually put an assertion out there, seeking immediate and public confirmation. “You’re pregnant!..You must be!...I knew it!” And then, after hearing my denial, they followed up with an even more emphatic, “Yeah right…You’re pregnant.”

 And what did I do to earn this line of “questioning”? I drank a sparkling water at a party when everyone else had wine. That’s it. That’s all it took for my reproductive status to be put on blast. (Well, that, and maaaaaaaybe that I looked a little chubby in my outfit that day but I’m not really interested in entertaining that explanation).

On one hand, I understand the curiosity. I understand that it potentially comes from an excited, eager-to-celebrate kind of place. But on the other hand: no thank you. No thank you to the questions and the pressure and the expectations and the feelings and the justifications that come with a personal question forced on me in a public setting.

Maybe I am pregnant. Maybe I’m not. Maybe I wish I was. Maybe I don’t want to be. Maybe I used to be. Maybe I can’t be.

Maybe I’m doing a cleanse. Maybe I have a drinking problem. Maybe I ate too many tacos. Maybe I’m wearing an unflattering jumpsuit. 

Maybe it’s complicated. Maybe it’s sensitive. Maybe it’s not. But you don’t know. You don’t know how your comment might make me feel. You don’t know how I might hear it based on a thousand other things that you don't know. Slapping a presumption on me...especially in front of others, forcing me to process my thoughts with an audience isn't fair.

Please though...care about me. Take an interest in me. Ask me questions. I'm about as open as they come, and live to dive deep with people. So by all means...

Let's talk about babies, and how they're the most lovely version of impossible.
Let's talk about fertility and infertility, and how we had no idea how nuanced and miraculous and heart-wrenching it all can be.
Let's talk about balance and other such unicorns.
Let's talk about motherhood, and how it breaks your heart a thousand times and puts it back together in a way you didn't know was possible.
Let's talk about self-worth, self-care, and self-love, and how to cultivate them in all of our circumstances.
Let's talk about opposites living inside of a single body and soul; how you can want and not want something at the same exact time; how you can feel anxious and hopeful, terrified and ecstatic, longing and fulfilled.

Let's talk about all of it. Maybe with some sodas, after the party.

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Happy (could have been your) Birthday!

Miller! Today, September 3rd, is your due date, (or my due date? our due date?) In any case, it's the day we had all planned to meet you. But you obviously had other ideas, and due to your early arrival we've already had the pleasure of having you in our family for nearly three weeks now.

And in the time since your birth, I've marveled repeatedly that you technically shouldn't even be here yet. Sure, two and half weeks (or two weeks and five days, if you want to get exact) isn't an incredibly long time, but it's just crazy to me that each day we've had with you, you could have still be on the inside. (It's actually also kind of a scary thought, as you are pretty big these days...I'm thankful you're in my arms and not my belly). 

We dreamed of you for 37 weeks, wondering what you'd look like...what you'd act like...

I was pretty sure you'd be big, I hoped you'd be a good eater, and I assumed you'd struggle with sleep. I expected a certain amount of fussing and general neediness. I was prepared (as much as one can be) for rough nights, few naps, and typical newborn hardships. I guess I was preparing myself for the worst (partly because I remember your sisters being kind of difficult, and partly because I didn't know what to expect, so I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment). Babies are a funny sort...all the same in a way: small and helpless, yet completely unique in their particular quirks so I really just didn't know what to expect. We prepped ourselves for a feisty little (well...big) guy, and just crossed our fingers we could handle it.

And then you got here. And...well...I didn't exactly nail it. You were big- so I at least won that bet. But as for your temperament? I was way off. I had no clue you'd be so...sweet. Your delivery was a breeze (as those things go), we settled in with you quickly, and so far, you've been an absolute delight. You're a simple guy, who likes to eat (a lot) and sleep (a lot). You love a snuggle, but you don't demand it. You are patient and calm; Slow to cry and easy to soothe. Basically...you're a dream. (and a dreamboat, who has completely captured my heart with your squishy face, snuggly body and adorable little piglet grunts). I'm trying not to fall in love with your current disposition, because I know it's still so early...you could change (ok..you will change...I know you won't sleep 18 hours a day forever!) and we will have to adjust to your shifting needs (I promise I'll love you even if you wake up a colicky mess tomorrow. Though please don't feel the need to test me on that!) But for now, I'm soaking up your yummy you-ness and doing my best to be grateful for every peaceful, cozy, moment (and not get aggravated when you want to eat every two hours on the dot). 

Happy not-your-birthday, Miller. You are more than we could have ever predicted, and exactly what we needed. 

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P.S. See the rest of the weekly photo series

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Little Pip-speaks: The "Baby-talk" Edition

Bringing home a baby is a big adjustment, and for little ones who don't quite understand the whole concept, and struggle with change, it's a BIG adjustment. Thankfully though, the girls really love him, and have done pretty well with welcoming him into our family. But that doesn't mean they don't have some sassy things to say...(with our two girls, that's pretty much a given). Here are some of Piper's choice quips from my pregnancy, (and a few from after)...

Pip-speak #1: 

Piper {to a 9 months pregnant, and totally over it me}: My brother sure is making you not feel good. 

Pip-speak #2: 
G'mi: Are you excited about getting a brother? 
Piper: We don't really need him but he might be fun. 

Pip-speak #3: 
Piper {changing her tune slightly, and teaching me about babies}: I'm so excited! I want to see him. But I won't touch his face. Because it's fragile. And it could break. So you have to be gentle. He is really grubby.
Mama: Grubby? 
Piper: Yeah. Like this (grabs a pillow) 
Mama: Oh- grabby? Yes, he might be grabby. 
Piper: He has nails that are scratchy. Even if you can't see them, they will scratch you. Because he doesn't know. 

Pip-speak #4: 
Piper: Maybe when the baby is bigger like Finney they can be friends. 
Mama: Yeah. You can all be friends. 
Piper: If the boy baby is nice to me then I will.

Pip-speak #5:
 If we don't have baby milk we won't be able to feed the baby. 

Pip-speak #6:
Piper: We will be gentle with the baby because it's so little it's just born, and it can get bigger like Finny and they can be friends! And she can teach it her tricks! 
Mama: Like what? 
Piper: She can dance! She could teach it to dance! 

And after he arrived: 

Pip-speak #7:
Piper: Isn't it nice to be a big girl, and not a baby? Because babies are not that fun. They can't do much. They just cry. And they can't eat anything. Just milk. Not carrots or cheeseburgers. 

And I'll spare you the details, but "nipples" have been a popular topic around our house too (complete with Piper showing me hers...) I'm already cringing at the thought of when that's going to come up in public...it's only a matter of time.

Oh- and as for Fin- she's a little less interested in the whole thing (and a little more interested in herself)...so her quotes are a mix of concerned mini-mama, and demanding boss-lady: "Baby crying!", "I turn music on for him", "Put him in his seat!" Not sure if she'll be teaching him to dance anytime soon...

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Pregnancy: Round 3 {36 week edition}

Here we go again. At this stage, the baby could arrive pretty much at any time (hear that, little boy? You can arrive any time. Like today, even. I know you're comfy, but I wouldn't be mad at an early birthday, ok?) Here's the update on Bowden Baby #3, at the 36 week mark (otherwise known as a FULL NINE MONTHS, when the cruel joke is that pregnancy secretly takes TEN months). 

symptoms: 
First time: Heartburn, aches and pains, trouble sleeping...
Second time: Heartburn, aches and pains, trouble sleeping... Basically the same as the last time just magnified! Sciatic nerve pain was pretty rough until around the 32 week mark (so thankful that with pregnancy nothing lasts forever!)

This time: This pregnancy thing manages to surprise me every time. It's just so full of ups and downs, and things change week to week, day to day... hour to hour. I was miiiiiisssssserable for a while (maybe around week 28?) but then something magical happened around week 32 (like the baby shifting off of my sciatic nerve), and a ton of my pain was alleviated. I was actually enjoying being pregnant for the first time in a while...and then...we got to week 35. I got a cold-turned-sinus infection, and just flat out started to run out of space and energy. And now I'm to the point where I practically need help to get out of bed in the morning (and the three times I get up during the night). When I look back on my last pregnancies, I realize it's all par for the course, but it's still hard to adjust to the constant growth and limitations to what I'm able to do. 

weight gain:
First time: 22lbs.
Second time: 33lbs.

This time: around 30 ish lbs. Maaaaaybe 35. At this point, the baby is supposed to gain around a half pound a week, so I'm good for at least two more pounds. I've always aimed for 25-35 total, but my real secret goal is to just weigh less than Dustin. We're getting dangerously close, my friends.  

cravings/aversions: 
First time: Frozen coke, grilled cheese...typical stuff I always like!
Second time: Nothing in particular.

This time: Really nothing much stands out. There's not really a particular food that I absolutely have to have, but the hunger does come on really strong now. I can go from nothing to ravenous in an instant. (ok, that might not be that different from my every day life, but I do think it's gotten at least a little bit more dramatic).

movement: 
First time: Constant wiggling!
Second time: Very active again!

This time: Lots of movement...but as of the last few days I think he's started to get a little squished, so it's not quite as dramatic as it has been. He's still managed to freak Dustin out with the occasional elbow jab, but I'm pretty much used to it all by now. 

I am loving: 

First time: Baby showers! It was so fun to hang out with so many of our friends and family and celebrate the biggest news of our lives. 
Second time: Not a lot at this stage- the perks of being big, and sore, and tired, are few and far between. But preparing for change, dreaming of the future, nesting...that's all great. 

This time: Hmmmmm....there has to be something. I totally don't want to be a debbie downer, but the end stages of pregnancy just aren't filled with an overwhelming number of joys. I do love feeling him move though, and overall, it's still mind-blowing that I'm able to make humans from scratch. The girls have also finally really started to understand that we're having a baby, so that's been fun too. Piper's gotten the idea for a while, but it's finally getting close enough that it's more real to her. And Fin was pretty oblivious, but I think at this point I'm either big enough, or she's old enough that it finally clicked for her that there's a baby on the way. (don't get me wrong, I don't think she has any clue about the actuality of becoming a big sister, so that's going to be quite the adjustment...But she at least has learned not to jump on my belly, so that's something). 

I miss: 
First time: I couldn't wait to indulge in a smorgasbord of non-pregnancy-friendly foods and drinks after the baby arrived.
Second time: Sleeping through the night. Dancing. Climbing a flight or two of stairs without being winded. Clothes that fit. Tying my own shoes. Walking- not waddling. Taking medicine without concern. Beer.

This time: I miss a lot of little things (like, all of the stuff listed above...) but mostly I miss having energy. It's hard to get up in the morning, and after a day at work I'm pretty much wiped out. I nap when the girls nap on the weekends, but even with enough sleep (wait, what's that?) I still struggle to physically keep up with the demands of two toddlers. I rely on Dustin a lot which I'm so thankful for, but I also feel guilty. I'm hopeful that after the baby comes, I'll get back to normal so things can be a bit more balanced, but I also know that the needs of a newborn are not easy, so I'm nervous that we're in it deep, and about get be in deeper.

spazzing about:
First time: I worried about leaving work for such an extended period of time. It was a little tough for me to check out, and leave all my duties with others.
Second time: Actually having a baby. Having two kids. Staying home (even temporarily) with those kids. The first time I was nervous about the unknown. This time I was nervous about the known AND unknown.  I have an idea of what's around the corner, and it's all a little daunting. 

This time: Yep- having a baby. I'm nervous about actually having the baby (not sure if the delivery part ever gets less scary, no matter how many times you do it) but after that, I'm nervous about having the baby...you know, the whole bringing him home and raising him part. I make no secret about the fact that the newborn days are hard for me (the constant feeding, and constant not sleeping, mostly), and balancing the needs of three kids is going to be a new test for sure. I'm excited about what's to come, but I can't hide the fact that I'm worried about my ability to handle it all

looking forward to: 
First time: Snuggling my baby.
Second time: Snuggling my babies, and seeing my two little girls together.

This time: Yay! A baby! I have no clue what it's going to be like to have a boy, but that's bound to be a fun adventure. The thought of three little Bowden kids to squeeze and love is a little too much for me to comprehend right now. But as much as I know it's going to be hard...I'm just as sure it's going to be awesome.

P.s. Check out the last baby boy update or read about baby #2 (we call her Fin, now) at 37 weeks.

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Pregnancy: Round 3

I haven't written a lot about this pregnancy...Actually, I've written nearly nothing. That makes me a little sad, because it's important to me to record memories of (and for) my kids. But it's pretty easy to understand why the third baby kinda gets the shaft when it comes to these types of things....it's just so hard to keep up with the demands of two little ones, and still have the energy (and brain power) to keep track of maternity milestones. But despite the struggle, it still is important to me, so I do what I can, when I can. And even though this baby will have a a thinner baby book, I'm confident he'll be loved as wide and deep as the two who came before. 

Yesterday marked the 28th week, meaning we're solidly in the third trimester and approaching the downhill spiral towards baby-town. Thought this would be a good time (a better late than never time) to record a bit of what things are like at this stage, compared to my previous pregnancies. People are always asking if it feels different this time around (partly because it's a boy) and it's funny how I just can't even remember. I think it's the same...maybe? So it's interesting to be able to look back on the facts and emotions from before and realize- things haven't changed much. It's still hard, and miraculous, and fun, and exhausting. 

So here are the 28 week details- it's technically compared to 27 weeks the last couple go 'rounds...but close enough for me! (Oh- and though I haven't been blogging/journaling diligently, I have managed to keep up with taking weekly pics. Yay! With Piper I did a chalkboard theme, with Fin I just snapped pics wherever we happened to be that week, and this time I thought it'd be fun to try wearing the same thing each week. I'm not all the way caught up on editing...but I'm happy to have at least some consistent record of this little guy's growth)

symptoms: 

First time: Main complaint at this point was ab muscle pain

Second time: Had a few weeks when the baby seemed to grow dramatically- squishing my organs, compressing my lungs...my diaphragm hurt, my back ached, and I couldn't sit or stand comfortably or lift Piper. But my body adjusted, and eventually it did get better.
This time: I feel huge, and am having a lot of that same back pain, round ligament pain, and general tightness, soreness, uncomfortableness, windedness. (some of those are words, right? another symptom might be my brain-not-working-ness.)

weight gain:
First time: about 15 lbs
Second time: about 15lbs
This time: about 20lbs. Ok, maaaaaybe 25. But that's with a lot of bracelets on, don't judge! I was already a bit bigger this time to begin with. When I got pregnant with Fin I was still really skinny from nursing Piper. (I tend to lose a lot of weight while I'm nursing- yay!...But it turns out, after weaning it comes back- boo!) This time the kids are spaced a little further apart (about 26.5 months vs 19.5) and I got pregnant in the winter so I was a little bit...plushier than normal. Plus, I gained weight a lot faster this time. I thought I started showing early with the second baby, but the third one took it to another level. I pretty much looked pregnant (or at least felt like I looked pregnant) from the instant I peed on a stick. I try not to get too preoccupied with it all, but I've definitely spent too much time this pregnancy worrying about how big I am, or how big I'll get, or how I'll shape up after. I know, I know, I'm making a human- from scratch!- and that's way more important than a number on a scale, but it's still hard to adjust to the constant growth and insecurity that comes with the whole pregnancy gig. (For what it's worth, the baby was measuring in the 96th percentile at the 20 week appointment, so at least there's a good reason for all this stretching).

cravings/aversions: 
First time: Not much.
Second time: Nothing crazy....still pretty hungry though so there were a lot of snacks during the day, and a little something at night after dinner.
This time: Still nothing too out of the ordinary. I went through the insatiable hunger stage in the beginning just like always, but now I'm getting to the point where I can't eat too much in a single sitting because there just isn't space. In general my diet has been pretty horrendous- in that I just eat whatever I want. but honestly that's no different than when I'm not pregnant. And I'll admit there have been quite a few late night floats/milkshakes/bowls of ice cream eaten over the last six months. (ok, ok, so maybe the 96th percentile baby isn't the only reason my pants don't fit...)

movement: 
First time: Lots!
Second time: Lots!
This time: Lots! This baby is as wild as his sisters. I really love feeling the movement, but sometimes it can get a bit too dramatic...and painful! It's pretty funny to watch though- little waves and jabs- and it reminds me that despite all the inconvenient parts of pregnancy, there's actually a real live human in there.

I am loving: 

First time: Chatting with people about the baby (and keeping the gender a secret- fun but sometimes hard!)

Second time: Enjoying a little "alone time" just being pregnant, while Piper spent a week with my mom.  It was a nice little break from all the activity surrounding a toddler, and a good chance to focus on the new little baby-to-be. 

This time: Ummmmm.....well......I guess......

Ok, I'm not really loving that much about pregnancy this time. It's not that I'm not enjoying it, I mean, there certainly are plenty of little fun things, and lots of little things to be annoyed about, but overall things are just fine. And fine isn't bad. It's just...no pregnancy will ever be exactly like the first one. The first time, you're all consumed. Everything is new. Everything is magical, and being pregnant is a full time focus. Then second time is still fun, still a little new, still magical, but it does fade into the background a bit because there's so much life going on with the one you already have. And the third time? Well, the third time it's not really new, technically still magical, but mostly it's this thing that's getting done along side ten million other things that also have to get done. Again- that doesn't mean love it less...well, it doesn't mean I love him less, it just means I have fewer moments to sit quietly and reflect on the joy of carrying this little human. 

I miss: 
First time: Sleeping comfortably (on my back or my stomach were pretty much non-options). 
Second time: Beer.  (silly, but true!)

This time: Well...beer again. (I swear I don't have a problem! It's such a part of summer: bar-b-ques, block parties, Thursday mornings, you get it.) Being able to bend over, or get up off the floor without lots of drama and groaning. Walking without being subconscious that I'm starting to waddle. Too soon!

spazzing about:
First time:  Getting everything done...I worried that everything wouldn't be ready in time. 
Second time: Not much. I was generally much more relaxed about the pregnancy. (I did worry that Baby B #2 might never have a name. Obviously we figured that out...)

This time: Nothin? The super bright side of the whole third baby thing, is that we really are pretty prepared. Or if we're not...we're not worried about it. We've been down this road before, so we have most of the gear, some idea of what to expect, and the general feeling that it's all just going to work out, regardless of how much or how little we prep. That's not to say we have a clue about what it means to try to raise three kids, and it's definitely not to say that I'm looking forward to those long nights (and long days) of newborn-hood (I think I'm blocking out some of the more difficult memories of the early stages out of self preservation)- BUT- I bought newborn diapers this week, soooo....we should be all set, right?

looking forward to: 
First time: Completing the nursery. I loved pulling together Piper's room. It was so fun for me to plan, and dream and create....and I'm still obsessed with the results.
Second time: Having two little girls. Meeting this whole new person that has never existed before. We're having so much fun learning more about Piper's little (big) personality, and it's getting us even more excited to have another little lady in the house to love. Last time I was excited about a lot of the "stuff" that goes along with having a baby- I think mostly because I couldn't wrap my head around what it means to actually become a mom and meet your child. This time, that's the part I just can't wait for. 
This time: Getting to meet another Bowden. The two kids I've been given are impossibly cute. Really just the best kids anyone ever had. And we get to have another one? Yes, please. And I'm excited to see how the girls will be with a little guy in the mix (Prediction: Piper will alternate between adoration and indifference. Fin will be thrilled when she gets to "hold" him, and pretty much mad/jealous of him all other times). And I'm eager to see how Dustin and I change and grow as parents this time around. I'm not kidding when I say I have no idea what we're getting ourselves into...but there's also no turning back now, so I'm looking forward to the start of a new lifelong adventure.
  

Twelve more weeks, little guy. Though I won't be mad if you can only wait ten, ok? Maybe even nine. :)

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It's...a...

Can you believe it?!
And yes...we're very excited!

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Oh Boy! (or Girl!)

I wrote this Wednesday night before our big ultrasound appointment. Since then we've seen our precious, perfect babe. (And learned the gender.) We couldn't be more thrilled and thankful to "meet" our healthy (and big!) baby. Looking forward to sharing more soon!

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Tomorrow is the day...the day we finally get to see this baby! Well...technically we get to see it again, but the first time it was just a little bean, and I couldn't tell its head from its tail. (I'm the worst at deciphering ultrasounds...it could have literally had a tail and I wouldn't know).

And as much as I'm of course just hoping for a healthy baby with all the right pieces and parts, in all the right places, working the right way, and measuring the right size...I'm also really pumped to find out the gender. Again, that pales in comparison to confirming that this squirmy little bean I've been feeling is doing ok in there, but c'mon...finding out the gender is pretty much the thing we've been waiting for since the minute I saw that plus sign on a stick.

We've been waiting for this day for months, and it feels a little like Christmas Eve. Waiting and waiting, feeling like it'll never come, and then all of a sudden, it's here! I feel like I can barely sleep tonight, I'm so anxious and excited. I told Dustin I felt like I had to write tonight, because this is my last chance to record the "before". Tomorrow will forever be the "after". This is our last day with our mystery baby, tomorrow the he or she will be known, and become real.

And as excited as I am to finally know a little bit more about this little person who is joining our family, I'm also a little scared. The question everyone has been asking us since we announced this pregnancy, is "Are you going to find out the gender?" Well, that and: "Do you have any idea what it is?" "Does it feel different than the girls?" "Do you both want a boy?"
And our answers:

Yes, we're going to find out.
No, we have no clue what it is.
It feels pretty much the same as the girls, which also felt pretty different from each other, and actually I don't really remember, so...see answer #2: we have no clue. 

And as for that last one...do we want a boy? 

Ugh. I just don't know. Above all, truly truly, I just want this baby to know that it is wanted  regardless of any detail about it, including the sex. We weren't trying for a boy (or a girl). We're not having another baby hoping to finally "get our boy" like people sometimes seem to assume. We just wanted another baby...another child. When people ask if we have a preference, I officially say no, because that's the right thing to say, but also because I think I mean it. With Piper...we wanted a boy. That might sound horrible to say, but it's just the vision that we had. We were a little disappointed when we found out we were having a girl, but we both came around quickly and began to love the idea (and of course when we actually welcomed our sweet girl, there wasn't another thought about it...She was, and is, the perfect thing.) With Fin, I desperately wanted a girl. I so badly wanted a sister for my daughter, and was worried this time around I'd get a boy and have the opposite adjustment to make in my mind. (but I fished my wish! Yay for girls, yay for Fin!) But this time, I'm feeling conflicted...and therefore, kinda neutral. If we have another girl, it'd be awesome! We already have everything we need, our girls would be thrilled, The Bowden Sisters legacy would grow... But if we have a boy, it'd be awesome! We'd have a whole new experience, and Dustin wouldn't feel quite so outnumbered.

But on the flip side of the coin, I'm actually kind of scared that it's a girl. And scared that it's a boy. If it's a girl, I worry that I will be a little disappointed...maybe I subconsciously do want a boy. And I definitely worry that Dustin will be disappointed. You've never met a man who loves his daughters more than he does, but still, it's just innate for men to want to raise a son, isn't it? I know he'd adore a(nother) girl, but a little part of me still fears that he'd be a little bummed to not get a little taste of "the blue life".

And if it's a boy? Well that's scary too. I don't know a thing about raising boys. (though it's not like I've really figured out this whole girl thing, so maybe that should be comforting?) I don't have any boy things, I don't know how to change boy diapers...I'm just not a boy mom.

So do we have a preference? Well...I guess not, and yet I still know that no matter what, it's going to be a bit of an adjustment in my brain and my heart. The announcement of It's a ____! will be surreal either way, and knowing Dustin and I (the way I do...) we'll do a ton of shocked staring at each other, repeating, "Can you believe it?"

Ooooh, boy (OR GIRL!)...I just can't wait.

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Three: Is a Magic Number

Yep.
Three. As in....Baby Bowden #3.

Are you surprised? Excited? Completely over it?

Well, regardless, we're thrilled to add to our our brood, and just as excited to be able to share the news with everyone. B-3 (is that going to catch on? Somehow, I don't think so...) is due to arrive on September 3, 2015, which just so happens to be the day before our 10th wedding anniversary. I'm pretty sure the traditional gift for ten years is "a human", right?

Piper is super excited (though she forgets about it 98% of the time, focusing her attention instead on Netflix Kids, fruit snacks, and throwing fits if we misunderstand her request for the blue cup, no not that one, the other blue one, oh the humanity waaaaahhhhhhh...)

And Fin- Well, Fin is Fin.

 I'm about 15.5 weeks now (but who's counting...?) so I'm feeling good, and looking big. (Do you know when one starts "showing" with one's third baby? The answer is about five minutes after one pees on a stick.) We plan to find out the gender, but have to wait until the 20 week ultrasound, so until then, it's anyone's guess. (Though "Are you hoping for a boy?" is high on the list for most asked question this time around...along with, "Whoa, 3?" and "Were you trying? Like..was this on purpose?") I don't tend to dignify those types of inquiries with a real response, but our "official party line" is that we'll be equally excited- and completely freaked out- no matter what the gender. (Three girls is no joke...But adding a boy? Is sort of terrifying as well. Come to think of it: whoa, three? Who's idea was this anyway?)

I make no secret that two babies is tough stuff, so I'm pretty sure adding a third is going to be completely bananas...at least for the first 18 years or so. But as much as these wild monkeys wear me out, I still can't get over the fact that we get to meet an entirely new person, call them family, and love them forever. I mean...it really doesn't get better than that.

 Once upon a time, Piper was just about the best thing that ever happened to us, and getting to know her convinced me we just had to do it all again...We got Fin, another just about the best thing that ever happened to us. And very early after her arrival, I looked at her perfect, little, permanently surprised face, and just knew that she wasn't the end. That there were more Bowden babies out there for us (I hoped/prayed...)

 So it turns out there is indeed at least one more little Bowden Baby, and we're a mere six months from meeting him or her. I just can't wait.

This calls for a Pinterest-Chalkboard-Photoshoot-Fail GIF, wouldn't you say?
(not pictured, the mid-shoot Time Out, goldfish cracker/bribe spill, break for Easter books/more bribery, and redo's 1-4 of the chalkboads because somebody-x2 can't keep their feet off of my "art". That's right, folks...these pics are the highlight reel.)

Thank you to so many of you who have already congratulated us in person...and thank you to all of you who are following along and sharing in our joy- past, present and future: three.



P.S. More gif-tastic gender reveal fun: Baby #1 and Baby #2.

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Babymoon

About 20 months ago, my world was forever changed, when we welcomed a little bundle of joy named Piper Jane Bowden. And by "changed" I mean, my world...everything I knew...everything I was comfortable with, and capable of...got rocked. Some people take to this motherhood thing like a duck to water, but for me, it was hard. I was a physical and emotional mess. I had a pretty rough recovery- which resulted in it taking nearly a month to be able to function normally. And emotionally, I remember not feeling fully balanced again until maybe the two month mark. I loved my sweet little girl, and we had our share of successes as we forged our new life together, but I remember plenty of days where I was sad, lonely, worried, anxious, and just plain exhausted. Quite simply, motherhood was overwhelming for me. I had no clue really, what to expect and many of the dreams I subconsciously held weren't turning out to be true. There were tons of positives to our new life- I loved the snuggles, and her sweet chubby face- but there was also a lot that just seemed daunting. Going to the store was an ordeal. A simple diaper change would turn into a three-diaper-both-of-us-change-our-shirts disaster. I had no idea what it meant to be needed all day, everyday, and that new reality was a heavy burden to accept.

I remember feeling like everyone else had it figured out, and I was a failure. I had an informal list in my head of things other moms were able to do that I couldn't. Simple things like walk unassisted, or make it through the day without crying for no reason. (ok, both of those examples are from the first week after delivery...but still...) I felt cheated out of the new-baby-bliss I expected to enjoy, and I feared that I wasn't good enough to make it through this journey we were now stuck on.

Slowly things did get better though. I healed more, which allowed simple tasks to fade into the background a bit more. I began to get used to the 'round the clock feeding schedule (no one said love it, but it did become part of my new normal). And as my hormones settled down, my crying jags and melodrama waned. But still, when I look back on the beginning, it's a bit bittersweet. I remember falling deeply in love with my new daughter- taking endless pictures, and staring at her tiny features in absolute awe. But I also remember the pain. The feeling of inadequacy and uncertainty. The darkness that clung like fog to portions of our early days.

So this time...I was nervous. I was scared of the pain, of the emotions, of the responsibility. I prayed that my experience would be different. That my delivery would be easy and my transition to motherhood (again) would be smooth.

And OH, how God heard me. This time has been SO different. So very, very different! I had the shortest labor of all time (no one said easy...but short does count for something!) and a textbook recovery (again- not easy, but normal). And besides some typical minor emotional drama that comes with new-mama territory, I've felt good. Happy. Again...normal.

The first time I felt like I was missing out...and this time I've been blessed with a newborn do-over. And what a giant blessing that has been.

This past week Piper spent the week at my parents, which gave Dustin and me a break from balancing the needs of two littles, while also giving us the chance to spend some time with just Fin. And as much as I miss my spunky, smiley, little lady (I use the term "lady" loosely...) it's been really nice to have time alone with our newest girl.

And I am soaking her up. I'm in full babymoon mode, spending all day feeding her, snuggling her, and smelling her sweaty little head, on repeat.

The idea of a "babymoon" typically refers to a vacation that couples take before the arrival of a baby (ain't nothin' wrong with that!) But for me, it makes more sense that a babymoon would be just like a honeymoon- it comes after the big event, and is a chance for the newly joined love birds to spend time together...no responsibilities...no distractions, just each other. So Fin and I are on our babymoon. (Dustin is along for the ride, but unfortunately has that pesky job to attend to, so he's on babymoon-lite). 

This time with my girl has been exhausting for sure, but it's also been refreshing in a way. The first time around I was a naive novice. This time I've gotten the chance to feel proud. I got my mama sea-legs much faster, so I've been able to enjoy this time, and relish moments of feeling like "I've got this". There are familiar feelings of fear, and doubt, and being overwhelmed, but they flow quickly like waves, without knocking me down as the pass. 

I see a different mama when I look in the mirror this time around. I view her with more understanding, confidence, and a lot more grace. 

And as for Fin? I'm over the moon with this girl.

I'm hoping it's mutual.
 

Welcome Finley

You'll have to excuse the calm around Bowdenisms this past week...
Because things have actually been quite busy for the Bowdens.

We went from this...

 

Sunday 6/16, 6:39pm

To this...

Sunday 6/16, 10:23pm

To this...

  Tuesday 6/18, 11:10 am

...rather quickly.

Finley Joann Bowden came rushing into the world on Sunday night (she decided to come 10 days early, and wasted no time getting here) and our lives have been pretty much a whirlwind since then.

A whirlwind of good. 

   

Welcome, sweet girl.

Finley Joann Bowden

Born June 16, 2013

10:23 pm 

8lbs 6oz

20" long