Monday, July 8, 2013

Babymoon

About 20 months ago, my world was forever changed, when we welcomed a little bundle of joy named Piper Jane Bowden. And by "changed" I mean, my world...everything I knew...everything I was comfortable with, and capable of...got rocked. Some people take to this motherhood thing like a duck to water, but for me, it was hard. I was a physical and emotional mess. I had a pretty rough recovery- which resulted in it taking nearly a month to be able to function normally. And emotionally, I remember not feeling fully balanced again until maybe the two month mark. I loved my sweet little girl, and we had our share of successes as we forged our new life together, but I remember plenty of days where I was sad, lonely, worried, anxious, and just plain exhausted. Quite simply, motherhood was overwhelming for me. I had no clue really, what to expect and many of the dreams I subconsciously held weren't turning out to be true. There were tons of positives to our new life- I loved the snuggles, and her sweet chubby face- but there was also a lot that just seemed daunting. Going to the store was an ordeal. A simple diaper change would turn into a three-diaper-both-of-us-change-our-shirts disaster. I had no idea what it meant to be needed all day, everyday, and that new reality was a heavy burden to accept.


I remember feeling like everyone else had it figured out, and I was a failure. I had an informal list in my head of things other moms were able to do that I couldn't. Simple things like walk unassisted, or make it through the day without crying for no reason. (ok, both of those examples are from the first week after delivery...but still...) I felt cheated out of the new-baby-bliss I expected to enjoy, and I feared that I wasn't good enough to make it through this journey we were now stuck on.



Slowly things did get better though. I healed more, which allowed simple tasks to fade into the background a bit more. I began to get used to the 'round the clock feeding schedule (no one said love it, but it did become part of my new normal). And as my hormones settled down, my crying jags and melodrama waned. But still, when I look back on the beginning, it's a bit bittersweet. I remember falling deeply in love with my new daughter- taking endless pictures, and staring at her tiny features in absolute awe. But I also remember the pain. The feeling of inadequacy and uncertainty. The darkness that clung like fog to portions of our early days.


So this time...I was nervous. I was scared of the pain, of the emotions, of the responsibility. I prayed that my experience would be different. That my delivery would be easy and my transition to motherhood (again) would be smooth.

And OH, how God heard me. This time has been SO different. So very, very different! I had the shortest labor of all time (no one said easy...but short does count for something!) and a textbook recovery (again- not easy, but normal). And besides some typical minor emotional drama that comes with new-mama territory, I've felt good. Happy. Again...normal.

The first time I felt like I was missing out...and this time I've been blessed with a newborn do-over. And what a giant blessing that has been.


This past week Piper spent the week at my parents, which gave Dustin and me a break from balancing the needs of two littles, while also giving us the chance to spend some time with just Fin. And as much as I miss my spunky, smiley, little lady (I use the term "lady" loosely...) it's been really nice to have time alone with our newest girl.

And I am soaking her up. I'm in full babymoon mode, spending all day feeding her, snuggling her, and smelling her sweaty little head, on repeat.


The idea of a "babymoon" typically refers to a vacation that couples take before the arrival of a baby (ain't nothin' wrong with that!) But for me, it makes more sense that a babymoon would be just like a honeymoon- it comes after the big event, and is a chance for the newly joined love birds to spend time together...no responsibilities...no distractions, just each other. So Fin and I are on our babymoon. (Dustin is along for the ride, but unfortunately has that pesky job to attend to, so he's on babymoon-lite). 

This time with my girl has been exhausting for sure, but it's also been refreshing in a way. The first time around I was a naive novice. This time I've gotten the chance to feel proud. I got my mama sea-legs much faster, so I've been able to enjoy this time, and relish moments of feeling like "I've got this". There are familiar feelings of fear, and doubt, and being overwhelmed, but they flow quickly like waves, without knocking me down as the pass. 


I see a different mama when I look in the mirror this time around. I view her with more understanding, confidence, and a lot more grace. 

And as for Fin? I'm over the moon with this girl.

I'm hoping it's mutual.
 

14 comments :

  1. You're such a great writer, Courtney! This is a wonderful post. I'm sure you're doing a fabulous job so far!

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    1. Thank you so much...means a lot coming from a pro like you!

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  2. I felt similar feelings the weeks following Cora's birth. Though my physical recovery was fairly textbook (12 weeks of bed rest doesn't exactly prepare anyone for bouncing back!), the emotional definitely sounds like what you went through. Knowing that you, someone who I have always looked up to as having it all together, had your share of doubt and insecurities makes this motherhood thing all the more bonding. I don't even know if what I just said makes sense, but I admire you for your honesty and willingness to share it with the world, and I feel a little more connected to the world of mothers knowing I am not alone. Thank you for sharing with us, and congratulations on your new bundle of joy!!

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    1. I'm so very glad my story resonated with you. I think it's natural to think everyone else has it together...but we're all a bit of a mess at times. Thanks for reading and sharing in our journey!

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  3. You are a great writer, Court. Love this post & love that you are getting to spend so much time with Finley.

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  4. Oh man, I can totally relate. My first (Liv) threw me in a way I hadn't anticipated. And when I had our second (Eliza) 20 months later, I was REALLY worried. And it was so much easier. (We also moved 9 weeks before she was born!). I feel like God really protected me emotionally. Not that everything was easy, but it was so much smoother. So glad you're enjoying these sweet baby days!

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    1. Yes...such a similar experience. I think God knew I needed a break this time around. ;) It's still hard, but I know I am so blessed.

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  5. ahhh! feelings i am all to familiar with. When I had my son my daughter was just 2 1/2. I was so overwhelmed..going to the grocery store with a 2 1/2 year old and a newborn was an all day chore. i remember seeing other moms juggling way more and i would think what is wrong with me?? with a lot of prayers and chats with my husband. I was able to overcome that awful overwhelming feeling that i was failing my kids and him by having these nervous breakdowns over the smallest things..no one said mama-hood was easy ;) it's wonderful that you were able to spend 1 on 1 time with your adorable new little one :)

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    1. I'm still getting used to having two...it's HARD. So while I'm feeling so much more confident with the second baby, dealing with both at once is still proving to be a challenge. I totally understand why that was a struggle for you.

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  6. Courtney - First, I love this blog and look forward to following your adventures. Second, this post brought tears to my eyes. You're a powerful writer, and clearly an awesome mom.

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    1. Thank you so much. It means so much to me that you connect with what we have to share.

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  7. This is the post I have been waiting for. I have been wondering how you were and hoping things were going smoother the second time around. I am so so glad they are. When I had Noah I did okay adjusting, but Caroline twenty months later threw me for a surprise! I am with Ellie...I could not seem to go to the grocery store with a toddler and a baby without coming home in tears (and once, without groceries)! And I would look around at other moms in the store wondering how they were doing it. I wonder how many of them ended up in their cars with leaky boobs, a kid in a diaper with poop up his butt, and no groceries. I bet more than I thought at the time. Point being, it is always amazing to hear we've all been there at some point.

    Love this post and your way with wording your emotions and your experiences. A true gift you have! And beautiful babies, too! Just don't try going to Giant Eagle with them both anytime soon.... ;)

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    1. Oh man Happy, I definitely don't have the two-kid thing down yet. There are moments when I feel like I'm totally nailing it if I have either one of them...but with both? Struggle. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in the fear of being outnumbered!

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